Continued… After surgery, I was sent home with some of those really awesome diaper underwear, some pain medication (if needed), and an empty belly in more than one way. Before heading home, Anthony and I stopped for brunch at Another Broken Egg and enjoyed each others’ company as best as we could. I’m not really sure what to call this stage of grief. My incomplete miscarriage was now complete. I had lots of feelings, but I felt like I could finally start to fully heal. The only explanation I have is Jesus because my heart felt mostly okay.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. – ” Psalm 34:18
I spent the afternoon and evening with my booty planted on the couch where Anthony and my mom waited on me hand and foot. The nurse said the less I did over the next couple of days, the less issues (girls, you catch my drift?) I would have, so I did as I was told. I made the mistake of saying we should watch “Heaven is for Real” since we had been planning on watching it with the girls for awhile. Bad decision. It made everyone sad. Great movie, but don’t watch shortly after a miscarriage. Right before we decided to turn off the movie, I mentioned that my legs felt heavy and tingly and that I needed to get up and walk around. I’d kept quiet about it for the last hour or so knowing that my mom and Anthony would immediately worry about blood clots. The tingling continued and I called the doctor for reassurance. He said it was most likely from the compression pads on my legs during surgery. Sigh of relief. They continued this feeling until the next morning. Saturday, my neck started to ache very badly, again a side issue from something during surgery not the actual procedure. Overall, I did really well and I would make the same exact decision if I had it to do over again. My mom showered me in her love and presence (as did my dad), my insta bestie showered me in sunflowers and unicorns for the girls, Anthony bought me a bag that my frugal self didn’t dream of buying for several more years, and my best friend sent me the most beautiful “sorry for your loss” necklace.
The necklace card read,
“With wonder I look at you dear baby bean, a miracle so small, too early behold. Everything about you never to be seen, your dreams and life story never to be told. Mourning you dear child, tears they do flow. Longing to meet you, missing you so. A boy or girl which were you to be? Would you look like dad or more like me? I always will wonder but never will know. How I wish I could see how you would grow. you are my child I never get to meet, hear you first cry, count the toes on your feet. Life will go on and somehow so must I. I wish I knew what did cause you to die. Not in my arms but in my heart I will carry you with me. You will always remind me oh just how fragile life can be. Dear baby bean I will never forget you. No need to fear. Without even speaking your message is heard ever so clear. Take no one for granted and keep close to you those you hold dear.”
After getting through some of our grief, I brought up giving this baby a name. We had already discussed possible boy and girl names that we liked for this baby, but not knowing the gender those just didn’t feel right. Secretly, I always felt like it was a boy (I didn’t find out the gender with either of our girls, but I felt like both times that I was having girls during each pregnancy). I haven’t even told Anthony that. In fact, he’s finding out that I felt like it was a boy right now as he’s reading this. We chose a gender neutral name to represent this life…
EMERSON SPERO GILMARTIN
After searching and searching through gender neutral names, we were both drawn to Emerson. I also wanted the baby’s name to have something to do with hope. Anthony searched and found that Spero meant hope. I wasn’t hopeless. This baby didn’t give me a sense or feeling like I couldn’t have another baby (although I know it does for some women) or that this would happen again (although that’s a fear). It gave me a sense of hope for tomorrow or for life after Emerson’s short life.
Although we chose not to do any testing to find out what may have gone wrong, I rest in knowing that Jesus had a reason for taking my angel back to Heaven. Tuesday night we took photos and spent a little time celebrating the life of our baby Emerson. Life is such a beautiful thing. Each life is a gift. Each life holds value. I will always choose LIFE.
“A person’s a person, no matter how small.” – Dr. Seuss
And finally a note from dad:
From Anthony -Lexie asked me if I wanted to say anything and time after time, I had different things roll through my head but wasn’t sure how to piece it together. My personality type wants me to get past something and move on but how do you move on from this? You don’t.. This is something that I will carry for the rest of my life. As someone who didn’t think they would ever have a kid, to someone who wasn’t sure if they would ever make a good father, to someone that is raising two daughters with zero direction (except from Jesus), I can say that hands down, this has been the hardest thing I have ever bridged in my life.
We chose to speak out about this, not for the instagram algorithm to boost Lexie’s numbers.. we didn’t speak out about this for sympathy. While we greatly appreciate the endless amount of support and love that has been given to us, we chose to speak out to help, even if it’s just one person. If this/these posts help one person find comfort, then we feel like we helped because this flat sucks. I was extremely excited to expand our family, to hopefully have another little girl (or boy) in the family, to add to the Gilmartin Girls.
I have cried.. a lot. I haven’t truly had time to be angry, but if you’re reading this and you were angry about this happening to you, you have every right to be angry. Both Lex and I didn’t run to alcohol or to any type of downer, we turned to our faith and I will never forget grabbing my wife on Valentine’s Day in the OBGYN’s office and holding her as tightly as I could. I just started praying. I thanked God for us, our family and our health. I don’t understand why it happened and I never will.
I don’t want this to be long and I want to leave you with this,
Men – be strong for your wife because you have no idea the pain they are suffering both mentally and physically
Women – this truly sucks but don’t forget the men. While they can’t experience the physical pain, they are experiencing almost as much of the mental anguish that you are.
Psalm 9:9-10 The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Thank you to every single person who has commented, called, and/or text us. Life is extremely busy and you took a moment to reach out. For that, we are thankful. To Presley and Sailor, if you ever stumble upon this later in life. You two are amazingly beautiful little bundles of joy, that mommy and daddy thank Jesus for all the time.
Dear Emerson Spero Gilmartin,
I look forward to the day that I get to meet you in Heaven. I will hold you and kiss you just as I have my last two princesses. Until then, we will never forget you or the impact you’ve already had on our life.
I Love You,
Thank you for sticking around for the last three days and sharing our journey. We don’t know when we will be gifted with another life, but Sailor prays every night, “Jesus, Please give mommy a baby. Amen.” The whole experience have opened up a lot of good and hard conversations with our girls about life, death, and faith. I know that when I do become pregnant again, it’ll be all in Jesus’ beautiful and sweet timing.
Next week, I’ll be sharing a group of brave women that have offered to briefly share their personal miscarriage stories. You won’t want to miss these. If you have gone through a miscarriage or loss during pregnancy and would like to share your story, please message me.
Mama of Presley, Sailor, & Emerson Spero Gilmartin
Until we meet again sweet baby. I find hope knowing you are resting in the arms of Jesus.