The Many Faces of Miscarriage Pt. 2

Y’all… I don’t even know where to start on this one. If you read the stories last week, you know how special each of these women are for being willing to share. As of now, this will be my second part of miscarriage stories and most likely my last for awhile. When going through my own miscarriage last month, I knew the whole time that I wanted to put myself out there and share my story, so as difficult as some of it was to write, I felt a peace while writing it. Once I extended the olive branch for other women to share, that’s when it became HARD. Over the last 10 days or so, each story started to roll in, and as I read each one I could feel myself grieving with and for each of them. I know that each of you reading hasn’t struggled through a miscarriage; maybe your story is of divorce, finding the right person, infertility, adoption, losing a child, cancer, disease, etc. One of my main goals in all of this to encourage women (and my men readers) to lift each other up and encourage one another through our different stories. My Jesus didn’t say to love one another if you can relate to them, if you look similar, if you like them….

He said..And now I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34

I’ll just leave that right there ^ Anyway, enough of my preaching and rambling. Here are 5 more stories of incredibly brave women sharing their stories of miscarriage… multiple ones, 2nd trimester ones, rocky marriage ones. If you haven’t grabbed your tissues thus far, you may want to before you keep reading. Squeeze a neck today, and let someone know you care about them.

Meet Carly

The story of Louie William Lassley

A second trimester loss.

Halloween 2018 I had my 17 week checkup, my daughter Ellie (2 yrs. old) arrive at the appointment in the morning. I had no signs that anything was wrong so I was in a great mood! We got taken back and the nurse starts to use the Doppler to see what the baby’s heartrate was but she couldn’t find anything. She wasn’t pressing very hard so I wasn’t concerned at all. My OB came in and began to use the Doppler. Nothing. There was nothing. He assured me that he thought the heart rate was just very low so they were going to do a sonogram to make sure everything was okay. I still was not in a panic, I was trying to stay calm in front of my daughter and surely the baby was okay.

The sonogram room was huge, Ellie sat all the way on the other side while my OB started to look for the heartbeat. I remember looking at his face the whole time to see his reaction. Ten minutes of looking he didn’t look relived; I just knew my life was going to come to a pause that day. He said the dreaded words “I’m so sorry Carly, there is no heartbeat” “WHAT DO YOU MEAN”. Tears didn’t stop; all I needed was my husband. But how could I tell him our baby died? Thankfully my OB offered to call and tell him the news so he could be at my side. So many questions flooded my head. What did I do wrong? I thought I was safe; I’m in the second trimester why is this happening?

When my husband (Casey) got to the sonogram room my OB came in and started to tell us what we can do going forward. My body wasn’t miscarrying the baby, most likely because I was further along so my body still thought there was a living baby. We chose to go through labor and delivery; I wanted to meet our baby.

Fast forward through that horrible night of crying and no sleep we chose to go into the hospital the next morning to be induced. The whole day was a blur, it just didn’t feel real. Getting started on all the medicine while people come in and out talking to you and telling you your options on whether you want to cremate or burry your baby. What cemetery? What funeral home? On and on. Finally after 12pm I got started on all my medicine to induce labor. I figured the pain wouldn’t be too bad since I was only 17 weeks. But I was wrong; the pain mixed with the pain mentally was something I couldn’t handle. They gave me every pain medicine they could. I finally ended up getting an epidural which took about an hour because the kept hitting blood vessels. 20 minutes after the epidural was done they checked to see how dilated I was, the nurse asked for the doctor immediately. I knew right then I was going to see my baby. My lifeless baby. The crying and screaming started, along with the dreaded shakes. Our baby was born sleeping just minutes later. It was a tiny little boy, my baby boy. (Ill spare the details after the delivery) holding our tiny little boy was peaceful and horrible all at the same time. We named him Louie. We cried for what felt like hours. The staff at Wesley was amazing, I couldn’t of asked for anything better. Our parents came up and saw their grandson which I know was not easy for them.

We left the hospital at 2am. The worst part of the day was leaving our baby so he could be taken to the morgue in the hospital. I lost part of me that day, and we will always have a missing piece. Louie was laid to rest the following week at cemetery a mile from our house. The past few month have been rough to say the least but I know we will always have our angel watching over my husband and I, our daughter(2) and son(5).

Meet another beautiful anonymous Mama

Pregnancy loss…….

These are the dates we found out we were pregnant……

February 15

April 20

July 28

We lost all three. First baby we lost I was feeling like I had in the past when pregnancy with our boys. We believe he was a big one. Everything was going great and went in to have 14 weeks check up. Nurse couldn’t find the heart beat. My heart sunk, Dr sent us to sonogram. That was the hardest moment when you’re told the baby didn’t make it. He was 12 weeks 2 days. I was shattered as was my family. I think my husband and I would randomly cry for weeks to come. We decided if we were going to try gain it would be awhile. Asked God to guide us through healing and to love our son Lincoln for us till we meet again. Our daughter was hit with the pain as much as us and has the sonogram picture on her dresser. I had to have a D and C. I felt crushed empty like I had failed because I couldn’t keep baby healthy. My husband held me as I sobbed. After the procedure, I went home and slept the entire day. The next morning we got up and got out of the house. Trying to help with depression. The next week was hard emotionally as I would just cry all the time. Prayed for healing and turned it over to God.

April 20 we found out we were pregnant again. I didn’t really have the chance to feel the excitement because I was too worried. Baby miscarried on its own at 6 weeks. I spoke to Dr and seemed to think was a belighted ovum. So not actually pregnancy, not sure how I still feel about that. We found out for the third time July 28, the month baby one was due! At this point terrified…. I couldn’t imagine how I would handle another loss. Just prayed for healthy baby. God has a plan for every baby. Sept 9 we lost the third baby. Sonogram at 6 weeks was great. Went in for 10 week apt and again no heart beat. My oldest daughter was with me for the soangram when we saw again no heart beat. My husband was in the hospital having some issues with his health and times were very stressful to say the least. I had to get myself together and go tell him. He was upset and cried with me as he apologized that he wasn’t with me. I gave my body a little time to see if I would miscarry. I did not, so D and C #2. This was hard as it was around our 10 year olds birthday.

She never knew as we had only told our oldest. No one else knew. When I had to have the procedure I broke down bawling and called my mom. I told her I was pregnant and that I had lost the baby. She just cried on the phone with me. I had to pull myself together and smile and try to act normal for our daughters birthday party that weekend. Bruised from iv and broken as it felt on the inside I carried on. I had time the next few days after to process the loss. We didn’t name this baby. I call him/her Baby Matthews. One thing don’t ever tell someone that lost a baby is you are lucky you already have children. It doesn’t make the pain any less. Be supportive of your fellow women. We hold a lot and go through so much in life.

Meet Emilie

With much prayer, my husband Kyle & I, had decided to try for our first baby. On October 1st, 2018, our anniversary, we discovered we were pregnant! We were overjoyed!! I was planning announcements to future grandparents, cutting caffeine, planning, budgeting, the whole nine yards. Finally, God had given us an answer to our prayers.

On October 7th, we had to go to the ER. I was bleeding a lot & hurting. The kind, sympathetic doctor (a God send!!) told me that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I had no idea the amount of space my baby already had taken up in my heart. The only comfort I’m taking in this is that our baby will never know pain, sadness, fear or anger. Only the warmth and comfort of Jesus’ embrace in Heaven.

Kyle and I chose to name our angel Sam, a fairly gender-neutral nickname after Samwise Gamgee. (I choose to call Sam a “she”, given my strange intuition that she would’ve been a girl) If you aren’t a Lord of The Rings nerd, Sam was incredibly loyal and watched over/protected the protagonist, Frodo. We believe Sam will watch over us and over our future children.

We had a small, intimate balloon release ceremony a week later on a chilly day to celebrate Sam’s short life. We got a few Chick-Fil-A catering trays, bought some star-shaped balloons, and sharpies. We wrote messages on the balloons to Sam, & released them after my husband prayed for our baby and gave thanks for her. We love & miss our angel baby dearly. We will always wonder what her heartbeat sounded like, what she would have looked like, who she would have been. But now, we rely on Jesus to take care of our Sam. Someday we will meet our first child, Jesus will hand her over to us, and we look forward to that day!

-Kyle & Emilie P.

Meet another beautiful anonymous Mama

I also went through miscarriage. I was 12 weeks along…for me I was pretty numb at that point, and I dont think I ever got to properly grieve until I read your (Lexie’s) story and I appreciate you sharing it. This happened almost 5 years ago in the fall Sept/Oct and I had not told anyone yet that I was even suspicious of being pregnant because It didn’t feel like it did the first time. My ex husband was working overnights and I just remember one morning when he got home I had been up all night, Bleeding so bad, I remember losing so much blood at one point I fainted. He drove me to the ER and they confirmed there I was going through a miscarriage and I was 12 weeks along….a day later i went to my OBGYN and he performed a small scale DnC there in his clinic and told me I would pass the rest at home. I was emotionally drained but I also had this weird feeling of relief bc my ex husband had been talking to other women and had pretty much totally disconnected from me….fast forward to December he abandon me and our daughter on December 14th… 2 weeks before our a anniversary. I had no choice but to be strong!

I couldn’t grieve properly bc I had a baby to take care of and a job to work……thank you for sharing your (Lexie’s) story. Know that you are not alone! Also, thank you to your husband (Anthony) for showing what a true Godly man is supposed to look like in a time of such grief. I didn’t get to experience that with my ex husband. Thanks again for sharing. God has a purpose and a plan for everything in our lives, he has written our stories already. Our creator is awesome and He gives us hope and peace. Thank you, and God bless!

Meet Brianna

Hi!  I’m Brianna. I’m a mom to twin toddlers, Camden and Ella and a mom to a little angel in heaven, Charlotte! We prayed for years and went through several rounds of IVF to get our two precious miracles. We found out when Camden and Ella were 9 months old that I was pregnant again, it was the shock of our life because we had a very slim chance of this ever happening. We were not trying, at the time we weren’t sure if we wanted more children.  However, as soon as we saw those double lines we were in love and already imagining our life as a family of 5 (with 3 kiddos under 18 months). We saw this beautiful baby at 6 weeks 2 days with a very strong heartbeat, we were told we had less than a 5% chance of anything bad happening. 

At 10 weeks, we went in for a second ultrasound. I felt sick the entire day because I just had this feeling something wasn’t right, maybe mother’s intuition? The doctor didn’t say anything for a few minutes and I was looking at the screen and I could tell instantly the baby was smaller than it should be at 10 weeks. I said “it’s too small isn’t it? There isn’t a heartbeat is there?” The baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. A week later (on Christmas evening) I miscarried💔. We did testing to find out what happened and that’s how we know the gender. We were heartbroken. 

I know 1/4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage but that doesn’t make it any easier. At the time I was so mad and confused, I kept thinking “Haven’t we been through enough with infertility? Why would God get me pregnant if I couldn’t even bring this miracle home?”.  I’ll always wonder what she would have been like. Would she have looked like her siblings? Would she have loved to run up and down the stairs like her brother or dance around the house like her sister? 

Until we meet someday, please watch over your daddy, your siblings, and me. We love you always, Charlotte! 💗

You can follow more of Brianna’s story HERE or by following her on Instagram @mytwinmomadventures

Sitting here trying to gather my thoughts as I wrap this up, and truthfully, I just keep drawing a blank. I know that every person that reads my blog doesn’t believe like me (and I’m not here to judge or bash them), but I’ll say this… I am so thankful that as I went through this that I had the never-ending love of Jesus to lift me up when I couldn’t.

“The pain you’ve been feeling, can’t compare to the joy that is coming.” Romans 8:18

When I shared the first segment of “The Many Faces of Miscarriage“, I received several messages asking me to speak on other topics. Women asked if I would bring more awareness to infertility, adoption, fostering, etc. I cannot personally speak to any of those topics, but I’m willing to pull together women and resources. Although my blog mostly consists of my story, I also want to create a safe place for women to discuss topics that are typically swept under the rug. I want this to be a space full of resources for women to go for encouragement. Thanks for reading and know that there are a lot of women walking a similar journey that are here to life you up including myself.

In two days, we leave Florida for our big move to Oklahoma City. We’re detouring to Kansas for a few days and hope to squeeze lots of necks while we’re there. I can’t wait to share our new home and life with you all. As always, thanks for being here.


Mama Gilmartin

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